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August 25, 2010 / Brittany Hendrick

New segment I’ll probably end up not updating for months at a time

Brevity is not a strength of mine, despite my efforts. Two long stories in the pipeline, half finished. Yeah, yeah, I’ll complete them. It’s not like there is a statute of limitations on Subject Matter of the World anyway, or what I choose to write about, or what reminds me when to write about certain subjects. Deal with it.

So this is a quickie-post placeholder that seems funny to do– I’m aiming for weekly. One of the joys of having a blog is seeing what search terms bring people to Snarky the Clown. Most of the terms or benign and simple: “cankles,” “jump to conclusions mat,” “Cristiano Ronaldo.”

Yet every once in a while, some wacky what the fuck??? shit comes across my desk. Some of the search terms are fervent, desperate and twisted. Others are downright non-sensical and hilarious. All are a look inside people’s private thought processes. Frightening and intriguing, actually.

 

Of course, people using search engines have questions. Here, I’ll pull the most interesting terms from the past week and attempt to supply an answer.

1.) stuff chrissy likes
I don’t know, man. If you’re talking about Chrissy– or Crissy, if you’re un-American– Ronaldo: soccer, tweezers, short shorts, tanning oil, hair gel, babies, beards of the female variety, and men.

2.) coathanger abortion
Do people still do coathanger abortions? OK, well. In that case, don’t forget the blowtorch!

3.) stop abortion
No.

4.) midrin and vodka
Not recommended.

5.) midrin while flying
Totally recommended.

6.) when a woman laughs at your humor
It can be one of many things: she is nervous, feels sorry for you, doesn’t understand or hear you, drunk, stupid, self-conscious, “just friends” with you, on her period, from a foreign country and can’t speak your language, has Tourette’s Syndrome, or letting you down easy. But under no circumstances does it mean that she finds you funny.

7.) has anyone ever purposely gotten pregnant
Does Grizzly Adams have a beard?

8.) coathanger covered in shit
Must be another panicked teenager abortion query… because obviously this person doesn’t know where babies come from.

9.) im doomed because im short
Aw, c’mere, you. No reason to feel lo– I mean, hold your head hi– ah, nevermind.

You’re doomed only if you want to date women who are taller than you. Personally, I prefer taller men. Doesn’t mean I don’t find shorter men to be attractive– it just means I won’t sleep with you. Yet for some reason, I’m a short guy magnet. Heh. Once, this short guy heavily complimented me, threw his email and phone number at me, and did me a nice favor. Flattering, to say the least. We were cordial and friendly with each other, but then he inexplicably freaked out and stopped talking to me. I have no idea why. But if I had to guess, he mistakenly thought that I wanted to jump his bones. Or maybe he sensed that I didn’t want to ride the short bus, and his millipeder feelers got hurt. Either case, he lost the mettle to continue our acquaintanceship that he was so hellbent on initiating. Every time– which wasn’t often– I tried to communicate and make it “right” with him, I feel like I made it worse, and he probably thought I was a stalker or some shit. Great. All because I was intent on repairing the situation while standing my ground. To say, “Hey! It’s not what it looks like! I’m cool.” Allow me to bluntly clarify:

Look, dude. You’re, what, 5’4″? And I’m 5’8″. Let’s be hypothetical here– and I do mean hypothetical– If we went on a date, I’d most likely wear 4″ heels with my dress. That’d put at least ten feet of height between us. Nuzzling my cleavage would prove to be impossible. And I’d crush you, like, everywhere. Yeah. Awkward.

10.) what is a welsh twunt ?
Refer to Number 9.

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