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July 12, 2010 / Brittany Hendrick

On one, on two, ennui.

Well. Unemployment Insurance has officially ended. And I’ve fallen grossly behind in the writing I meant to accomplish.

There is a story that’s been sitting in the draft folder for two six weeks, unfinished. It reached a point where how I wanted to say things didn’t flow anymore. Like… half-a-writer’s block. I know I’m not writing presidential speeches here, but I like my writing to be a certain way, a certain level. When I sense a piece isn’t being conveyed in my standards, I stop the press. A good title hasn’t come to mind yet anyway. So, there it sits.

 

I managed to write a couple album reviews for Stomp and Stammer, for the May issue. One more review was planned for June. June rolled by. July is now on newsstands. And I have that unfinished review that shall remain unpublished forever.

Writing record reviews isn’t my favorite thing to do anyway. They’re kind of dumb, actually– I don’t even read them. I write them to have my name out there every once in a while; and the invitation to contribute is always open, which is nice. But, really, I have no idea what’s currently going on with music. So, I probably have no business clogging up the annals of indie rock with reviews on reissues from bands no one cares about.

But it’s not like I haven’t been busy. Just because I’m not formally employed doesn’t mean I don’t have other shit to do… on top of  looking for a job. Assholes.

Recently, I picked up doing ad sales for Stomp and Stammer. Not the most fruitful task, but it keeps me busy and I’ll legitimately have another [unappealing, apparently] skill to add to my resume.

I babysit my nephew a lot.

Went to Buffalo twice in two months.

Was without my truck for about two weeks (seemed like three). Did lots of logistical juggling, running around with/for the family here, there, everywhere.

And there went June.

Haven’t cracked my poetry portfolio to cull Fulbright-worthy pieces for submission. I figured I’d apply for the scholarship once more– this time supplemented with poetry– and if nothing happens, I’ll say to Hell with it. I should probably get a job and work for a few years first, before high-tailing it overseas. By that time, I’d hopefully have enough money to pay out-of-pocket and won’t need a scholarship anyway.

I have an idea for a book to write (had the idea for a while, actually). But I go back and forth on its plausibility. What’s funny or interesting to me may not be funny or interesting to others. Then again, I see all the flash-in-the-pan bullshit on the shelves in bookstores and think, “If THAT can be made into a book…” I don’t know. Might think of something better. These ideas usually come to me at wee hours in the morning.

The idea of being a substitute teacher was introduced to me.

Took an aptitude test for a job… a month ago.

A lady I used to work with is supposed to email me about an open marketing position where her sister-in-law works. Still waiting.

My dad thinks I should look for jobs in offbeat places like Alaska (no joke).

My mom thinks I should bake baklava exclusively and sell it (it’s really good, and I do have a secret to it).

My brother thinks I should work for him as a recruiter…

… my sister-in-law thinks I should work for her as a nanny.

My sister thinks I should work as a waitress/bartender.

My 11 year old nephew thinks I should work for his dad as a recruiter.

My two year old nephew thinks I should “sit!” He’s a bossy one.

Sorting through all these possible avenues, weighing this-and-that, has made me very exhausted, confused, irritated and overwhelmed.

 

It’s not that I don’t know what to do with myself– it’s that I want to do everything! I like doing a lot of different things, I have a lot of interests. Yet when choices overwhelm me, I reach a point of stasis. It’s like when I go into a store with something in mind to buy… but when presented with the plethora of possible purchases, I go home emptyhanded.

All my debt, except student loan, will be paid off in August. Then I can work any-old job indefinitely, since my financial situation will be really good, until I land a “real” job. Also, I can finally save money and do the things I really want to do careerwise (artistically).

I’m extremely anxious to get this final egg donation over with. The recipient had been wavering since February. It’s very stressful to think you’re donating one minute, then you’re not, then you are again. Things are finally underway, but I won’t be at rest until I begin hormone injections, which is still three long weeks away.

Got back from Myrtle Beach with my family a couple days ago. Now my mom just called me and asked if I wanted to drive to Buffalo with her this week… like, tomorrow. May as well go. It’ll occupy my mind through the Countdown to Injections. My dad wants me to visit him in Florida, too; that’d be another week down, if I go. July 29 can’t come fast enough!

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