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January 8, 2010 / Brittany Hendrick

Planned Mortalhood

Not long ago, there was this news story about a Kentucky census worker who hanged himself. The goal was to make his death appear as a homicide so an accidental death insurance policy could be paid to the beneficiary. Since that plot didn’t pan out, the whole thing sounds like a lot of work for nothing.

Why go through all that prep and technical trouble to stage a homicide when you can write a letter to your state senators instead. That’s what I did recently. So, if I’m suddenly “missing” or “turn up dead” somewhere, you know why. This act I’m inviting upon myself shall be labeled an “accidental homicide.” Except I don’t have a cushy life insurance policy to pass on, which makes the homicide part less fun.

I could deal with some light vandalism, though. It’s been a while since my truck had a good window-bashing or tire-slashing (see footnote.). I’m beginning to feel unloved (eyeroll). Hey, I just hanged myself with the optic nerves torn from my eye sockets.

Continuing with the female reproductive system theme going on here lately, I was on Planned Parenthood’s website a few weeks ago. This was shortly after the “Abortion Coverage Ban” failed to pass in the Senate, thankfully. All voting results may be found here.

Naturally, since Georgia is a conservative red state in the Bible Belt and awaiting the Second Coming any day now, our two donkey senators, Tweedledee and Tweedledum Johnny Isakson and Saxby Chambliss, voted in favor of abortions NOT being covered under primary health insurance premiums. In other words, if you have comprehensive coverage through a private health insurer and have an abortion, you’re writing another check for that “extra” procedure. Not right!

Planned Parenthood has a set-up in which you could express displeasure and send it off to your state Yea-men, if applicable. I fearlessly provided my full address, so my mailbox better not be junked up with lobbyisms and propaganda. And my dog better not be kidnapped. Anyway, the letter goes like this:

I am writing to express my outrage at your vote in support of the Nelson/Hatch abortion coverage ban that would have prohibited women from purchasing a private health plan that includes abortion with their own money under health care reform. If not for the senators who stood up for women’s health, this amendment would have represented a major restriction on women’s access to comprehensive coverage under the Senate bill.

“That’s awfully tame of you, Brittany,” you may be thinking. That’s because the above was pre-written, provided by Planned Parenthood. Here is my friendly addendum:

It is execrable that men (without female reproductive organs, in case we forgot) steadfastly aim to botch issues about which they have no primary knowledge: the biological, physical and psychological conventions of women. And the secondary knowledge gained? That comes from females of the senators’ same ilk. Those women are not realistic representatives, either. It is the year 2009, not 1949.

Let us engage in some critical, abstract thinking: supporting this ban will only cause a rise in illegal, unsafe abortion activity; in turn, that endangers women’s lives. The result: increased crime and increased mortality rates in adult women who must turn to off-premise, black market tactics because they cannot afford a safe, proper, sterile abortion despite private healthcare contributions. Is that better?

Your granddaughter may require an abortion one day, if she has not had one already (you certainly would not be first, second, or even twentieth on the confidant list, so you would not know anyway). Then again, on your salaries, you could easily pay for the procedure without private insurance– and buy off the medical staff to keep quiet, too. Most Americans do not have the financial means to operate that way– nor do we want to. What we want is fair, affordable health coverage that allows us to take care of our corporeal selves as we see fit. That includes abortions.

Brittany Hendrick

Yes, I know I took on an improper tone in the Art of Argument. I’ve written a fair share of polite opposing missives in my life and have earned license to be derisive every once in a while, especially toward rich, smug, old, out-of-touch white men. Thanks. Certainly my diatribe isn’t the most sarcastic, nastiest, or even most poignant letter the Georgia senators have received. They’re men and are, therefore, tough. So they can take it. Right?

Footnote: I’ve had some creepy shit happen to me on-and-off the past few years– to the point where my family thinks that I pissed off some guy– though, I have no idea who the supposedly jilted sociopath could be.


— a broken truck window while parked on GSU campus (nothing stolen)
— a broken truck window while parked in front of my house (nothing stolen)
— an attempt to steal the whole damn truck while parked in Inman Park (nothing stolen)
— a knife in the rental car’s tire while parked in front of my house– two days after the attempted truck theft, and with three other cars in the driveway to choose from

… are mere coincidences.

And the month’s worth of missing mail, and the $600 stolen from my bank account, are also coincidences and in no way indicate someone is out to get me. How is it possible for so many fucked-up events to happen during the span of three years? The perpetrator is probably the same fucker who stole my Let It Be and Rubber Soul (RUSSIAN PRINT) Beatles vinyl albums… not to mention the Giro bike helmet that was GIVEN to me because it DIDN’T FIT the original owner. The helmet was probably hot property, so I wouldn’t want it anyway.


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