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July 14, 2009 / Brittany Hendrick

Move ova, bitches

If we consider semantics, the answers to these questions could be interesting:

“Do you have any children?”

No. Well, yes… technically. I mean… no… Biologically yes, physically no…

“Have you ever been pregnant?”

No. Well, yes… technically. I mean… no… Physiologically yes, biologically no…

“Have you ever had an abortion?”

No. Well, yes… technically. I mean… Biologically yes, physically no…

Hey, don’t yell at me. Can’t keep all the female reproductive follicles in the world steaming freezing. This is the science of egg donation. And it’s just as good as pregnancy.

Why do expectant mothers make “mommy’s first ultrasound” pictures as their avatars on social networking sites? I mean, other than the pride and joy issue. You’ve seen one fetus ultrasound, you’ve seen them all, right? But no, THIS barely identifiable blob is SPECIAL against the others that look EXACTLY the same. How do I even know that’s really YOUR fetus, hmmmm? Nevermind these ultrasound pictures. Come back when you have something to show me, like, a real, live BABY with distinguishing physical features.

I love children, and I know I’d be a really great mother. I have the patience for it. Yet I’m nowhere close to having a baby friend to brag about. Oh no. How do I prove to the world and shove in people’s faces how womanly and fertile I am, like everyone else. I can only offer the next best solution: my ovaries with multiple follicles. This beats one, two, eight babies in the womb. As a joke, I’d like to make my ovaries ultrasound my Facebook avatar… but I don’t want to field “OMG!!! R U preggers?? Congrats!!!” inquiries from some high school acquaintance with whom I shared one class in 9th grade.

 

Look at them. Aren’t they special. Your ovaries didn’t look like this before you got pregnant. Gaze upon this unique scientific wonder that resembles scenes through the Hubble telescope rather than discernible reproductive organs. It’s so darn cute how my left ovary’s follicle production lags behind the right one.  Oooo, the left has four follicles, count them! 1, 2, 3, 4! They’re all there! Four little follicles. Awww, that little 1.5-er on the right ovary is gonna be a keeper. What do you mean you can’t tell which one I’m talking about?  What do you mean my ovaries look like Jupiter on a partly gaseous day? What makes your amorphous androgynous fetus more special than my blobs?

And while I’m at it, where’s my congratulations?

But people care about baby ultrasounds. Even when they have no clue what they’re looking at. For instance, how many times has someone showed you an ultrasound of their baby boy at something-or-other weeks along.

“And look… there’s the penis!” the mom exclaims, pointing to… something.

Um, where?

“Ahhh, yes, I see it! Yup, there it is! Awwww, you’re definitely having a boy! Wow, yeah!”

No, really. Where?

It’s a game of Where’s Waldo. So, not only do we have to pretend to be sooooo interested in this not-so-novel thing we’ve seen a million times before– I can Google a picture of an ultrasound and look at one anytime I please– but we also have to pretend that we see the penis; and pretend to be certain that it is in fact a penis versus a hand or foot and wouldn’t need it pointed out to us in the first place.

Come to think, it’d be a good social experiment to make my ovaries my Facebook avatar just to see how many people assume I’m pregnant and that they’re looking at an embryo.

On Wednesday, I’ll be supplying my egg follicles to a deserving woman (and husband) who have had trouble conceiving in some capacity or another. That’s someone who should be displaying her ultrasound everywhere and soliciting congratulations. I’m taking the rest of the week off.

p.s. it chafes me when people bring their children to the reproductive doctors’ office. It’s disrespectful to those who can’t have children. Like people really need to see that after a doctor tells them they’re barren.

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2 Comments

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  1. Jennifer DeLoach / Aug 12 2009 1:58 am

    I can’t figure out what’s what in ultrasound pictures, either. They always look like a big, swirly kidney beans to me. *shrug*

    Like

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